Talking with your parents

Problem: They might minimise your problems. Sometimes parents might think that what you’re going through isn’t that bad or that it’s just a part of life’s ‘ups and downs’. Because of this they don’t really take what you say seriously.
Try this: What your parents say about life being full of ‘ups and downs’ might be true, but if you think it’s more than that, then explain what you’re struggling with and how it’s affecting your life by giving some examples.

Problem: They make it about them. Parents might start reflecting on the part they play in your life and might blame themselves for your problems. They could say “I’m such a bad parent. I must have let you down for things to get so bad”.
Try this: Rather than talking about what your parents need to change, tell them you need help to make some changes in your own life. Talk about how they might help you do that. Try to focus the conversation on what you need to get better or feel better.

Problem: They might guilt-trip you. From the outside you seem to have everything they believe you need to be happy. For example, when you say you’re not happy and might be depressed they could say “You can’t be unhappy! You have a good life, a job and lots of friends!”
Try this: Explain that even though you have a ‘good life’, a job and lots of friends, you’re still unhappy and this is a sign that something isn’t right and you need help.

• Plan what you’re going to say. Think it through in your mind or try writing it down beforehand.
• Try to do it when you feel calmer or less worried, upset, or angry. This means you have the best chance of getting your message across clear and calm way. If you can’t settle your emotions you might need to start the conversation anyway rather than waiting for the ‘right time’ (which might never come!).
• Stick to one or two main points as this will make it easier to keep the conversation on track.
• Rehearse the conversation with a friend or a counsellor so you’re more prepared.
• Find a time to talk that’s good for everybody. Try not to do it when you or your parents are busy with other things. Having a good conversation about something important means that you and your parents need to give it your full attention.
• Choose a private place where you won’t get interrupted and you feel safe to talk.
• Have a friend or sibling by your side to support you if you’re really nervous.
• It’s ok to take a break if things get too intense. Remember, you might need to have more than one conversation over several days or weeks if it’s a really important issue and there’s no easy solution to your problem. Seek out some support from a friend or a counsellor if you need to.
• Don’t feel you have to have all the answers. It’s ok to feel confused or unsure. If your parents ask you lots of questions you can simply say “I don’t know yet” and then together you can figure it out.

Sometimes it’s difficult to know what to say first because emotions are running high and you’re worried how your parents will react.

Start by saying what you need from them e.g. “I need to tell you about a problem I’m having and get your advice” or “I have this situation that’s really bothering me and I just need somebody to listen and be there for me”.

Check out our Expressing Your Feelings article for more tips on how to open up and talk about it.

If you think there’s no way you can talk with your parents about what you’re going through then give us a call and talk to a counsellor about it. We’re here to listen without judgement and help you find a way through it. Contact us by phone, start a WebChat or send us an email today.